6.X Months. But there are still things that are not as they should be; I am thinking about my age and getting older, that though rate just to be lack of understanding, but I also did not get a chance to make my social life according to the F-Meaning, and the middle age should have life accordingly, so there's something missing, though it's not really and necessarily, especially with some improvement, different from most other people's situation, and I do pretty much have all kinds of things, and that then leads to the point of doings, where I also feel if I am doing the right things and enough, if there's enough right doings, life, to my life, it being like living alone or with someone, maybe having a child or more, some more or less close or distant friends (one generally does not meet them like when one was young, often, and that's a lack in social life, while people are different too, especially as we are not young anymore), then one maybe has some social life where one works at, but it's maybe generally nothing much, and then one might have live hobbies, and that's somewhat same to the work, and it's generally not something one does every day, though one might (is that then complete life or too much something?), and one's e.g. parents too one does not generally see so often, so it leaves the one one lives with, like family as something one is being more all the time with, though one can have a job and hobbies where one is dealing with lots with people, so the people life that rate to be so important for an F is enough, one might not feel the lack of it from the amounts it's an addiction, but without it too, one can feel the lack in one's life (being with people can eliminate it, though f-action can do stuff also, so things are not so clear that what's covering and what's aid to one's heart that if right and at ease enough would feel good all by itself too, overall it's about communing with the F), that is it enough to live like some "Eskimo" far distant (on F at least) from other people, then go little here and there every now and then but mostly being at home so to say. On one hand there is enough to do as there's not generally enough time to oneself anyway, so if one has any interests in the world, there should be enough delight from doings, even if one does just simple things, and enough comfort if one has managed one's life to be so, so maybe one should not feel lacking the right combination of doings, but it's still there.

And one can look at the long line of lifes ahead too, so if one is feeling good now in progress and being, and doing, then one should be feeling relatively at ease, while the unease part should more or less automatically be seeking to get things better and better, and as there's nothing more one can do, then one should feel relatively relaxed, having all the good one has, there being many of them, as long as one has managed one's life so and is healthy, so even in life that's not complete, and something in one is telling that, and so one feels unease too, that one might then cover (hide) by doings and comfort, but they are there (this is/was one of the biggest heart pains I have had all the way here in the F-world, it just getting more and more adjusted, stronger to tolerate and feeling more and more at ease, while improving also on the 'needs' and so the heart can feel more at ease that things are progressing, though it more or less does not feel at ease about my old 37+ age, the "+" being that I am actually older as I am still recovering and need to achieve a bit this and that), but as one is aware of it and working on the direction, then one rate to feel more at ease and can enjoy whatever one has, as that's then the best one can have and do at the moment, and it would be enough by itself if the heart wouldn't think otherwise, and then there's the situation of being so old and getting older (though no problem of being 70 for sure as there's so little to go, though I am not feeling at complete ease at this time of facing the old age, but what I have seen so far, it's just age, though one rates to get old age problems, less so if one is not loaded too much). So, something is definitely not right, and that something as age and as people is my remaining problem (though all else is not well yet but I sort of count them to be so, just figuring that I am 38 and 45 already), though also missing understanding but that remains to be seen, while it's not how things should be as a whole. The heart does not completely adjust as it completely can't (needs, the Dharma), then one just has to live with it (though if one is working to the direction or there not being anything one can do about it, then the heart rates to feel more at ease), like there not really being no possibility for the heart to feel completely good in this world or on this planet, but that doesn't need to mean one can't have the other aspect of life as they rate to need to be, and have a decent life.

It seems it's the heart (or the action; L/life) that's ON and one feels no major vast emptiness, loneliness, (F-)Meaninglessness, it being like security, plus one sees/feels life more as a home, art, comfort, just because the heart is ON, like in a closer way when I took my presence nearer then I was the only source of life, and for the partial solution still more when keeping the attention close and in oneself (the life and heart), but here the life and heart, F, is more expanded, though the vast emptiness can (still) be seen to exist but it's not dominant. One maybe should be in panic but that expanded "aura" will keep one feeling secure, while the meaning is at the F-Meaning, there being all the F-aspects of life, like art, and comparing what one sees as an F is not the same as what one sees as a T, e.g. the Moon and other stuff out there being meaningless things in vast emptiness (all phenomenons under the Sun are meaningless as they exist in vast emptiness) become a part of the living life instead (the phenomenons become the truth, the meaning, not the space they exist in), and the L/life is in that.

I woke up one morning and my mind went through all the horror scenarios of my life I have been talking about but there was no pain response in the heart, none; no panic, no fear, no worry. The heart has become so much more stable that it's not easily responding, while those things are there somewhere but they have went somewhere while they are not the one's that were 'covered' either, but things have changed. These types of things come for some also from the middle age, and from facing loses and then healing from them. There's not much worry about the future, not much fear of anything; strange, the type of Eternity with comfort and some strange smiley too somewhere inside that I don't know what it is (maybe or likely the Fi/Se smiley, as one can see they often have that natural happiness on the top, and so one figures there is an inner smiley in everyone, and like the F-dominants have the F-reactions on the top and one sees it so when they react outside, that they also more easily will do, so the smiley can too be at the most top, though other feelings too rate to be on the top but stuff like SeFi dominants have a natural happiness as the SeFi existence is basically bliss), and I am just serene, my brain being more silent than ever because something had grown in there or changed there, like NF being dominant rather than NT, so things have changed, and the heart having faced its horrors and having lost everything, so being at ease, no worry anymore, just silence and Eternity, comfort, beauty (art), freedom, like no worry, like no fear, strange. Having lost everything and finding oneself in such a strong situation, almost like from beyond life. Not that it's absolutely so, but dominantly it is so, and so I call it the Eternity, where anything else remains more as secondary, though one will be getting nirvanic (getting used to) here too, so what is not the Eternity rate to look somewhat bigger later. But this new heart thing together with the middle age, and my ex-heart of the past conditionings that's from another person, has been updated to the new person that I have been earlier already because of all the enlightenments, then the change of view from space to phenomenons (the Meditation, Dhyana, is just the opposite), and being at home in feeling and strange new understanding, sort of without understanding, of being at home like when I got the Brahma Awareness, but now it's in the heart too.

Living here, and no worry about meaning, or about anything really compared to more panic like view as a start. I don't understand it all but just live it, just being in this Eternity, wondering the comfort and how the heart is now mainly at ease, so strange, but it's some adjustment, together with what I am, while it's like fear when going somewhere or waiting something to happen, but then there being no fear when it has happened or one is there, or when one has lost or won, and like being the only source of life having lost all Meaning around, then giving up, and together with the being there, the problem is no more. From much part it's all under the same psychological phenomenon (like getting used to the horrors of one's loses, then being different like they would be no big loses; called stuff like that as "cheating"), and then there was the new still greater (than M6 - so called chakra) silence in my head, then the heart dominance and the heart needing to deal with its horrors and loses, and then adjusting, learning, changing, cheating. It's just so strange how one can be at so E/ease in spite of all what one has faced, lost; and not be worried, or the Eternity dominates it (that's much the remaining existential thing for me, though not sure what it is other than the right state of being, that I could be well rooted in it, though I am not really holding into it as it's in me; it rates to be the core Meaning, and it can contain emotional harmony perfection too, the Eternal life, the right path, perfection, so it would not be wise to be too far from it, losing it too much, while the wise likely would get more and more into it, that's then about giving more of one's personal life to it, that just from parts seems to be giving one's personal life to a mere state of being, but one understands what's right or one does not, and this is better understood only by being with it and trying to understand, while it though seems to be more or less a part of me now, but it might get covered, so missing a good chance can not be good as one can be at ease even when facing 40 years of emptiness, there always being that Eternity, feeling like one could have enough with just that, everything else being just something good, something not so good, something better maybe, but nothing that worry the Eternity of not having it).

That's something related to the so called "conditionings" too, that they are not all real, or at least there is the Eternity after them too. It's like there being life even in emptiness, so there being life in (after) a horror situations too, the horror being here, having happened, then it gets adjusted and what remains is the life that remains but both the horror and the more or less deep in the heart worry, fear that might have been there for lifes, not much being there any more. So, we learn something more about the so called conditionings and about the birth of fears, worries, emotional problems, and some ideas of how one might get rid of them in case one needs to, though some of them might need to be so we would be running after the Dharma, but in case we lose, they will then just drop out for now; they can't be anymore after the lose, just passing through the most intense of emotional horror and then as programmed going somewhere away, that this person is so hopeless, and the planet and the universe, that it just stops being worried about them, there not being anything (more) that can be done about them; what remains is the Eternity and some minor emotional disturbances just like the heart and other emotions are but just little, while the power of the Eternity (and all other things that have happened at the same time) after the storm feels strong, and then just gets somewhat more adjusted and nirvanic, and a new chapter in one's life is opened, though I saw it before too, and that was and is the horror but life does not let it to be seen so, while it does not rate to be the truth either, but the truth is what life is, not what I might want it to be, so I needed to get cracked, though that's just one thing here, and the life just is what it is and we have to get adjusted to it, accept what it is, and be as we should be, then life is as it should be, though I have many things to complain about life, but life is what it is, and it doesn't need to be bad anywhere, it being so much up to us and the planet, that we can't complain all life, while this Eternity stuff is just so silent, serene, comforting that one just feels to feel and be, no philosophy, just being, living, doing, the Eternity being about existing.

So much my view seems to have changed here, but it's a part of the middle age and my social and ultimate loses and the adjustment. In one part it's just a step in adjustment, more worries rating to be in the future, something we fear of happening and we somewhat keep collecting that into our heart, conditionings, and the closer it gets (like in nightmares) the more horror there is, and after the lose there is the living silence, the Eternity, and then getting nirvanic. It still does create sadness when I look into it, and that creates worry and fear about one's future that it won't be good enough, and so one panics, but the Eternity is about life without major connections to any emotions away from I/it, and the heart being like expanded (I don't mean "our" heart so not to think it in the usual sense, but the existential heart in us that's not "our" heart) and so there being that security, that's an important part of the Eternity, Life, and that being the most important, not some lose phenomenons in life, and if one could be so more dominantly, one would forever be less worried about what happens in life, about its loses, and be more happy of just having the Eternity, the L/life as it's as being and doings, and not get maybe too un-proportionally upset when something like one's entire meaning of life is more or less ruined. But if there is any Enlightenment that I would rate as the most deep, it would be a Stronger state of the Eternity, our Home. A big part of that is in our soul (Dharma, Laws, Harmony) and not having major loads (one is at comfort/ease, having all the doors open, maximum non-loaded abilities, the goods, right views, natural understandings), and then these other things. This Eternity from its outer part might be the H/heart in Brahma Awareness, while the head got there first, but with the F-dominating there was an addition, that much there being a similarity about the state of the Brahma Awareness and the state of the Eternity; it's just that the brain, eyes, view is somewhat different, and the Eternity seems to better handle the no-future like the Brahma Awareness did before the middle age and my heart loses, as a T, and there too I was eternally Here and that's the only meaning there was and I was content with it till I 'dropped' the mind, and needed to see more to have up to enough with the mere Eternity.

But the facts are at least in case of my problems still the same (not so much about all new views I have learned and the adjustment, those parts being well enough), the heart just getting stronger and more adjusted. It's just that they might not need to dominate, while the pains are not there immediately to be seen, but still one can get bad views out of one's personal situation and not feel good about them. But as long as I am on the right path for me (to get the loads down that's also directly responsible of my personal social things and connected to the heart not dominating or something, the base being at the loads) I am not feeling that I am doing something wrong or not the right thing, but feel that I am at the right space, doing the right thing, going to the right direction, and so feeling no heart guilt, not feeling like I would be killing something but taking care, doing the right thing. That leaves mainly the empty path in Eternity to get used to, to just grow old the next 40 years and die, all in 'emptiness' (that can look scary, insecure, not a complete life), though this time together with the Eternity, and the path leads to the decrease of the loads and to a new and better life, that has life in it, just not all the pieces I wanted, but like living someone else's life, that then will become mine and me. That path does good for me and is the best for me, though the mind does not like it as it can't do enough and won't have all it wants. As long as I feel comfortable and things are progressing, and I am feeling at ease about getting older (this is about the Eternity that will then more or less overcome this, having lost, all one can do is to grow older and die, and have whatever is left and see if that's good enough for something), going through the difficult 40-60-70 years path, while with luck I might have things better at some point along the way.

Then things are decently, just being old (one though might see that this does not mean too much, there being enough to life even when one misses things elsewhere, while it's also about how this being adjusts). Just a small thing of missing recovery and the next (up to) 50 years goes the way one does not want it to go. I have however come to figure that there's not that much to do in life that would be so much missing or so much different of what I have now, and thanks to the adjustment the missing things might not cause pain really, and I will have a life, and if I just relax about things now and do the right thing I rate to feel good, and with luck of recovery I can get social things better (though I think that what matters most is the [right] heart, like being good can be enough, while having a thing in oneself might even get rid of the needs of getting something from others, but the aim is about complete life and I believe it's in the Dharma even if one does not get pain when not having things so when one is on the right mind/heart and the path) somewhere in the future in this life and then feel that I am not missing up to anything. I just have all kinds of things I would like to get into but can only partly, that being the biggest problem as long as I keep feeling good. And then there is the next life that's this life really, me being there like I am here, and so one can be at ease and recover, time being no factor. It's just that I don't get all the knowledge to make my life as I would want it to be, but just the loads and the Dharma, that though are what I am supposed to do, though I don't get all knowledge in it either, of what to do, and what hobbies I like to do, but need to figure them there, and I will be missing something, e.g. the Brahma Awareness, though as an NF it doesn't rate to matter, also now that I have the H/heart, though I will have the knowledge of the Kundalini, and from that I might figure how to get the Brahma Awareness too in case I want it. I think, forgetting that I can't do that much, my future in this life will be good enough, based on what I feel when being on the right path for me and having a positive view about the recovery in not too far away future, and I have looked into the next too, that's actually here, just not having all the knowledge, and figure that I have fair chances though not likely getting all what I have here of what I know would be the best for me as work and hobbies, but I will be getting a good life, so it's at least like here in a way, that I will be going good enough (better as time goes), just not having all I would want, so there are some loses, but I am not especially worried about them.

2006.2. Had to go in action from some part. Trying to do as little as possible, that's not all the time easy. Need to recover. My father has had his stomach problems for half a year now, there was 4-5 months waiting (during the hardest time of mine the latter half of the year 2005) the first time to get to meet my parents - now one month ago. Mother seemed to be ok. Minds seem to stay ok in old age too. It has been bad for me that in these times I have not been able to see them often. In my empty situation it will be very bad when I lose even one of them. It's not the death, it's the lose, something that will be hard to handle in my situation; so much is connected to life and past there, that it's like the end of life, and in my overall situation, I hope it would be, but I will have to live because I have to recover (and in case I would have the recovery there would be enough to live I think) and go through much I don't want to, and in a world, planet, social situation that I don't find so any meaning to be in, just having mainly my recovery and the eternity to be with, and some doings. We have like two different minds; one the T-mind (or something) and the other the F-mind (or something), that are two different minds, though not that they necessarily need to be.

We are one of the oldest in our galaxy and galaxy group, that's why we have not been welcomed to this universe. Our group has about 30 small galaxies and two big(ger) ones and we are the other one of them and that's figured to be the most massive of all. There's also the Andromeda galaxy but it's not as massive, just some 30 times bigger (long) (it's not all logical comparing to all other galaxies so it might be something different; maybe an old - expanded and more or less dead - galaxy that maybe was suppose to take care of us but something happened and they all died). The other galaxy groups are more far away so it's harder to hear from them, though maybe not impossible, while they are not necessarily all that much older than we are. In our galaxy we have not heard nor seen any radio (nor light or other) stuff, nor any other contact. We are one of the big brothers in our whole galaxy group. There might be more talented incarnations in our planet from near planets but they are just somewhat more talented in some area, that's though nothing out of personality groups either. This and similar planets were/are a disaster as we had no Parents. The nearest stars are about 4 ly far away, and we (the waves) (or e.g. Alpha Centauri A, e.g. whoever has the best reach) need to travel some 10 ly to connect to some ten stars (none just like the Sun and the AC A). Radio waves are said to travel at a speed of light through the space, so we should have already heard about our near planets (or from someone), I suppose, while we have not had a radio all that long, so we need to wait; the age of the near stars will tell us more; the AC A is a close case, just like the Sun but just a bit bigger, that sort of means it's a bit newer in case we might have to wait some 1000 million years before they are as old as we are now - the AC B might then be far older than we are but we don't hear it so (looks like they have not evolved as much, and if have humans they don't have science), and the size is not necessarily the same as age (less so about the planet included), and according to science the sun gets bigger when it gets older. One needs to consider the age differences where the closer cases might be found up from the other side of the galaxy (100,000 ly). We are more lonely in this universe than we might think, though there are 3 with 11 or so zeros of stars just in our own galaxy, but there are also 6000 million people on this planet, and right now.

What persona I am can't be put the usual way but I have two personas now; NT + NF. I dropped keeping my mind at Ni especially when not doing anything where it was before indulging in Ni with T, so that's the main change, and even before (six months before) the feeling (NF) started to dominate and with dropping the mind got at top and at ease (the heart at the top), and there has been a clear F on the top. I am not an NF as my head is an NT, but my heart is an NF, and neither one is dominating the other. The INTP is the past (NT doings though have not been dropped, when doing) and not going all like that whatever one is now, so that's one reason why nothing definite, or two definites. But it's also the new F and the new Nirvana Awareness, not only the Ni not being on the top. It's many phenomenons at the same time and where the past and the present persona are both there, and one can't put oneself into any persona, but sees just the pieces and as a whole that's the persona, the F being the reality, not the T, but the head being clear about being the master, but under the F that's in the being the one who is the master. My current guess is that I am an INTP + ENFJ, and such figures to be normal to anyone who 'drops' his type or the F/T just pops up 'by itself'. The ENFJ is much related to the past INTP persona, and so might exists only as long as I am not out of Ni more dominantly, including the past.

2006.3 I suspect it just might be e.g. an ENFP in the future, but nothing is solid yet, so the possibilities are about here, with the ENFP I am adding my hobbies (Ne/Ti), together with the unload of loads that puts me more at left (or not at right) while the T might get overed by the F but that remains to be seen (they are so different as the other has SF and the other one has NF, and I know the edge of using NT, and the ocean of NF that's not necessarily what one might want, it being social etc., that's a different world, more real in one way comparing the SF being less F than the NF. While the T then at least from the logic part stays away, and that's pretty mandatory for me from most part), the future being in the combinations I am using (also including the time I am not using hobby/work), and I am using many, while I suspect one's persona does not necessarily need to be all that extreme, while one though likely lands somewhere. The problem with ENFP is the dominant Ne, that loads L6, and that's the thing to keep at balance (always after using it I rate to work that) and mainly after that one gets to balance the right (R2), so it's tricky (at 2nd step of balance and after), but if I keep doing what I keep doing as hobby/work it's right there competitive with the time I am not doing hobby/work, while the future course of me has not been completely written in what I do as a hobby/work an how much, but at the moment they seem to remain (some of the time more or less seem not to remain as it does not fit the temperament/will and abilities of the persona), and there's about no way I would be doing all hobby/work and be an ENFJ or an ST (with nf), so something must drop, or the persona must be different. I am not thinking of dropping the F, it's in now, but my head needs to be clear (focused) with my hobby/work where I use the NeT. I have also been thinking about the idea of a smaller NeT, so the SF would be at the top, it fitting from outer part to doing part time NeT and remain an S and so it would include all my hobbies/work and the recovery time, so that (ESFP) is one of the major possibilities, but it's distant from the point that technique has never been my strong point, though being an NT (NiT) but I have also favored the feel on that area, but I have not been so much neither one, and there having been more possibility to become an ESTP/ESTJ instead, but I was a dominant T then, and my technique and related are better these days (and tend to get better).

I am not sure I should be at NF anyway, at this time and in my social situation, though the pains might not be much at all and one could be in the world of art or music or Fe, but it's a step behind of my primary persona doings that would need to drop for that to dominate. I more or less live many personas at these times, while using the logic to see the future doesn't fit completely to the F-world that makes choices with the feels instead, while I can't say my hobbies/work will remain the same the next ten or twenty years, but they are still a part of me, and a radical dropping would need to happen out of NT or NT-type; there though is happening stuff like that in me, but they don't remain, not yet at least (it was the same with the F, NF, the heart, dominating, that I dropped for half a year from some part before it had cleared from dropping the mind, so one can take something or not take it, though not taking it might keep is sort of suppressed then, overcovered by what should perhaps not overcover one's persona in nature at the moment, that though might be the past or a cause of balance to fluctuate somewhat). Just need to do all I need to do and see what happens. In my case with all the awakenings I see that Se and Ne are major factors, while with comfort the Fe is high at the list too, while I do not see any fully enlightened person to be an "introvert" as it would be a strange thought, as far as the life attention goes (inner one might be, though as a seeker more likely, while after one has both one forgets the mere inner, life being all around, inside and outside), while I do not see them anywhere but here and now, though the NF like ENFJ is a possibility, as is a possibility of becoming an artist or something, like ENFP. And the F is not 'suppressed,' and it would be again a strange thought. But one could be an NF and one could be an SF, that being four possibilities all together, at least in my case. ENTP is not far away, while at this time I will not become a dominant TJ.

The awakenings are something extra though, but they are in cases included in personas too, more or less. But there can be the possibility of being more an NT or NF and still be here and now as there are more counter powers to keep one so, but it has its limits. I don't know what it is if one was an NF (If Krishnamurti was an ENFP then he might have become an ESTP with a bigger NF part, or if not letting go of it remains an ENFP but with a bigger ST. While Shree Rajneesh seems to have been an ENTJ with some more F in his style somewhere, but he never completely dropped his NT, remaining in a sort of dream - attitude- of here and now when it's no attitude at all but just the S, and in a sort of dream of witnessing that too is no attitude and no view but just is and one makes no note of it), but to give an idea of what one is as fully enlightened, I would think ESFP, ISFJ and ESFJ, all being here and now (S), F dominants, and have an NT (that can be somewhat bigger with all the counter powers), being maybe enough Es in one way or the other, and not being generally overloaded on the mind (because of the S, while that might not be as true at IJ for example, while all these three must beware of reading or talking too much, the NT being dangerous even as an SF, and they are capable people [and if they fall into a trap it's better as an SF than as an NT, though it's still up to very damaging. Many jobs would need a part time job - if one needs to use mainly the brain - and that's not usually offered], so one needs to train oneself to be such an SF that one avoids the dangers, and that programming is harder to know to do in the next life, though I will likely more or less read it from the fingers but it's still tough as there's little knowledge these days and the world is moving more and more just to the opposite direction, before it learns); as a whole I think that's as good as it gets at these times (I think Gautama Buddha was an NT, NTJ maybe, but I think it wasn't the most dominant, so maybe E/ISFJ, after his Enlightenment), the TJ or so being something for the future where one can handle it with better B/balance. If one does not remain away from the N, then the S maybe most best would be an ST, and the whole picture would be an NFST, rather than an NTSF that's though there in SFNT, while whatever we do, we become that element, though we will not get the top talents that fast but function form a second or a lower pair, while the NF basically has no NT, no SF, they coming into picture only in change, e.g. no action long enough and one can be an SF, as one comes out of the N, while then there are STs, but they are in (T-)action there.

2006.3. The meaning of life is in the pure delight of the Deities. To be more happy one needs to be more perfect; that also covers emptiness, and one needs the presence of the F that's from the heart and other Deities, from one's own B/being that by alone covers the basic emptiness, and being all the basic meaning there is, covering the f-action too, the core being the F that's in the B/being. There is no death other than what one loses. There is no afterlife. The Awareness is all-pervading, the Brahma. There is no God other than the Deities; Man is the highest in the known universe. The Deities as well as the Awareness are like Atoms; all having their own nature and laws. The Xmind is about the memory, conditionings, together with logic gives associations to meanings, connected to Deities. The Xmind is deficient. One should always be so recovered that one remains like a beach boy; that's about my main aim in this life, though making me an ST as far as my memory sees the type and becomes it, but that didn't count all the factors, the SF being just as fitting, though not in ST-type of actions that do with NF (feel) in the world of the ST, while SFs do with NT (technique) in the world of the SF. I think there's not too much doubt that my NT will remain at this time, but it's NeT and it will not be the most dominant, and as I don't see it will be the Fi on the top it leaves the ESFP, as long as I don't change the NT to NF (or do too much NeT), but as far as things are now, it's ESFP with the INTP past and some fluctuating other personalities like the NF that rates to pop up at less (mental, NT) action, it then being just about the amount of NeT action vs. dropping dominantly out of it (or using it too much), while as far as I see the SF is not going to drop anywhere from its dominant place until replaced by the NF (or NeT, but I don't figure I want to be a NeT or even a NeF brain, it being too much).

There's the mind or the N-mind (Ni and Ne; in forms of the TN too but it can be somewhat different in what happens at 12 or so), and there's the sex getting active at 13 for example. This is the line about both of these Enlightenments. When one gets at 12 and is a dominant N for example, it takes over with its blindness on the awareness area and mental, emotional, physical effects. To get it back one needs to drop the mind (maybe the N more specificly), then if one is so in the next life, one does not have such at the age of 12, only perhaps later if one uses too much N and gets stuck there. The sex (addiction) also needs to go, or the dropping of it gets the lost awareness (brahmanic) back, while if one has less sex addiction, one loses the Awareness less but most dominantly as far as the Wisdom, Brahma Awareness goes, while with the mind if one has a lesser N, I figure one does not lose the Nirvanic Awareness. I must not again get stuck at N, while when getting the sex curtain back in the next life (if there's addiction) one will still have the Situational Wisdom (as not having a dominant N, or at least a more dominant S just perhaps), so that's more important, though in the long run one needs to get rid of all sex addiction. I can't picture what one is missing from the Awareness part if one has just the Nirvanic Awareness, but at least one will not be missing the Situational Wisdom (gets more on the are of the F too I think, though the F started a half a year earlier, but I think it's there with the Nirvanic Awareness in the form of social, for the reason of the dominant mind being there less, the other values - together with their conditionings - as usual getting more up) and that's the main thing about the Awareness.

There are some little things that go underground for 17 or so year, and wait there doing nothing, and when they come up the birds etc. won't remember them anymore, so they won't get eaten. I got at balance in 1997, and so in 2014 I have hopes of recovery, just eight more years to go (will be 46 then). With my new super balance (not at right/not in the mind) from 2005 and my through the legs work (more or less up to till I get close to too much unloaded from the right side, where the L6 unloads more or less the first), it at times seem I might get good results before too but much of the time I think because of the past that I would be lucky to get good results during the next eight years. There are lots of people who have had their problems tens of years, so if one hopes any better one needs to balance up to super balance, and through the legs type of recovery to further keep at least a better balance.

2006.4. When I move from enough NT action to no-action, to melt it away for recovery, I enter NF (or some nf or whatever as the dominant Ns do not necessarily feel stuff like loneliness as the N-mind is a world to itself, but this might be a different thing and definitely is no NT as a function) and there's depression about social and meaninglessness, so much so that I want to die (some people have depression about social, some about meaninglessness like I had in 1992 when I started my full time search, and then too I wanted to die - maybe from a past life too, noting also that my mother ended her own life when I was five. But more or less it's on overall law, something about NF's needs that when they are bad enough the only way out in case it really is so, is to die, or not be an NF). That at these times and more or less before (might be half-a-year when first time meeting, though not all the time, but it might also help to keep leaking energy out through the legs to get to a stronger Sensor world, though one is to follow the through-the-legs instructions and one is to know that in no-action - in NF so to say - one feels the full power of the depression, so until one needs to recover at least the first half-a-year or so can be best with action, and social, while after that there is the Sensor world possibility as an alternative, while it would help to get a final answer to the meaninglessness problem, as all doing is just doing in nothing, one looking more the meaning in non-doing, and it's not there in NT that's a burnout and not in NF that also needs similar action but in F and additionally can need more social up to a main thing, and both the NT and NF have nothing outside of action [of major], though the NF can have the social, so as far as the state of being goes, its meaning could be seen only in the Sensor mode, where the ST is Doing there (and the second pair being an NF), sensor doings, and the SF about sensor feelings, and doings on the area of the second pair - that's more or less secondary as far as the meaning of life and depression goes) is so about a day, then one more or less enters the Sensor's world and one feels better, even up to very good at least some of the time if ignoring the social and meaninglessness facts (of other modes at least). One should not ignore any demands of any modes but there's no point to be in more pain by being where its source is (in other modes one has made many years between depressions without being too much aware of depression, but one is not to forget that it's there and what needs to be achieved for it not to be there), not until it has got enough better, while not being there can also put one into a track that's not doing what e.g. the NF would need to be done, though doing some of the improvements can be less natural when not in the mode.

If depression is the opposite of much happiness, then it's a natural cause from when being really unhappy about something. It's also possible that the meaning of life is happiness, so one feels meaninglessness too. If existence makes any sense at all, then that might be it. Emptiness is (like) the lack of closer relationships, like the lack of parents, family, overall the lack of anyone knowing us as friends or so, like the lack of we knowing anyone, then we do not exist. Family is like a foundation, like the meaning. When there's no foundation, there's no god, no meaning, emptiness and death.

With the "dropping of the mind" the awareness that was inner (e.g. in the Ni, like in deep reading) becomes outer (primarily). The mind remains where it is. The secondary thing becomes the primary thing, the introverted awareness becomes the extroverted awareness, at least when not in introverted action, but there's no coming back in a full way, not in this life at least. When one's priorities so get new, one faces problems as there rates to be lacks and the "shock" for a start needs getting used to, while there is a possibility to stay away from it in a feeling level, but it needs action (NT or whatever other than NF or so). Then one can continue the same dropping process or no-action and be a Sensor, dropping the NF too that seems to be some sort of a half-way between NT and S (The NF however seems to be in N, "in the mind" with N that is, and in theory too, not in the Sensor world any more than the NT). Dropping the imagination (N) part of living and being primarily (the first pair) on no-imagination (S), using the N only when needed. What is it when the Buddha is in that "NF," he doesn't seem to be out of the Sensor world, while it does seem that the NF is dominating at this case, but I don't figure that to fit that much to the profile of an ST (with NF as secondary), while SF I figure does not have such as he is an NT and his feelings are with the sensor. But I call it the NF anyway, and dropping (/melt into it) that and one is just here and now, no imagination, no pain until it's here and now. Any N-dominant tends to overload the L6, and make(s) one blind (about the Sensor world). They are something to use, not something to live at, though as far as works go there's not much of an option to many, but a Bodhisatta should make life choices according to the Sensor as the priority. All personalities do overload themselves, and all NTs, NFs do not overload themselves, as much, but I don't figure that the N is the place to live at considering the reality in case there's any (the reality seems like empty, the truth it is but still), but the reality is the reality and one does best not to live in imagination, considering its blindness factors about the Sensor as well as the health risks.

I think the best persona to be is ESFP that can do and be many things, is extroverted (especially Se, with E = P), sensor, sensor feeler (still better, perfect), has NT, especially NeTi (much better than NiTe). There are possibly no major loses to be here, the physical power/ability from Si that's there in IP and EJ is not so at IJ and EP, but it's not so important though Si-sensing being poorer, but a sensor has better physical abilities (and health) than the same intuitive has. Science is with the N-dominant, but one can be much around that if one wants, and be at rest as well if one wants, and can be a physical player, mental phenomenon too, while maybe not e.g. a language talent as far as speaking and feel goes (NF). I think these as many sensors have a good memory too (not so loaded and/or something, while memory is specific, some having good about numbers, some with people of something, some with doing intuitive work there - NT), while the Se/Ne's have visual abilities (more or less with memory) above others (TiNe's have too).

My father gets some stronger treatments soon (but still won't meet anyone because of his stomach - I have had symptoms of [his] stomach thing too, that's because of my higher sensitivity or something; I have been meeting all kinds of stuff like that [here about things that are much stronger than normal, here the bad things that come to me too because of the stronger, more sensitive connection, and then in time got more resistant about them like to any sickness, while it works much with all kinds of things too] since I was out from the Brahma Awareness state [where one might be protected like a baby] in 1997, while we are 'collective' [some psychological e.g. mirror funtion (too) is there] beings and the stronger connection was there in 1994 already [somewhat more already when I started as a full time Seeker in 1992] but just got more with the Brahma Awareness and other things too), and might still be around after 82. I have seen some recovery signs about my own recovery but it's like joking with me, but I try keeping myself at a deeper (but not too deep) unloaded state (deeper than what a mere Kundalini can do). I would be plenty happy if I just could recover enough, but I am not, and so I am unhappy, and happy, both existing in me at the same time, it just being about if one or the other is dominating the other and of how much, not necessarily anything being covered but being happy and unhappy at the same time, and I have plenty reason to be both.

My biological brother (ISFP; a half-brother, the same mother, the only biological relative I have seen since I was five) got his Kundalini awakening from me, while my non-biological parents have not felt anything at their fingers, while they have no SiF, but one of my friends and his ex-wife haven't got the SiF either and they felt it just fine when I woke their Kundalini. The person who (if it wasn't the photograph) woke my Kundalini got no verification from his mother and sister, though he said he didn't ask. He's an INFJ, a religious Sahaja Yogi (he doesn't feel the Kundalini in his brain, and combined to being an NF, he as well as most I suppose Sahaja Yogis do not understand Sahaja Yoga, though they think they do). The only major problem is the lack of recovery speed, and there's really nothing Sahaja Yoga can do about it (or the Kundalini will flow if the L6 needs balancing, but that's the end of it and it's not necessary even as it flows through the legs in any case) when it's about mental loads (when getting at balance some techniques can help, like the ice pack when the R2 is really badly loaded and out of balance); though the middle channel is a help but one could do without it, though it's tougher, and what comes to a practise of Sahaja Yoga, it will do nothing, the Kundalini flow being there when the L6 gets action, and the Kundalini flow is mainly for fun (and information) so to say (clearing, and it's the pure energy to enjoy), no effect to the loads. The collective meditation for other things, emotional-mental, and for fun, it's good, but that basically it, though the Kundalini rates to flow stronger in collective meditation, so it can be of some speeding use when not at balance. One gets at balance and clear decently fast but the lack of speed in load decrease and healing is the bad news.

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